A Feast of Fools: An Alice in MAGALand Thanksgiving

When the Turkey Isn't the Only Thing Stuffed With Nonsense

It began innocently enough: a family gathering around a turkey and side dishes and the awkward silence that followed someone’s passive-aggressive comment about cranberry sauce.

But the table began to shift as Alice tuned out her uncle’s rant about how the Pilgrims invented freedom.

The gravy boats expanded into rivers, the mashed potatoes inflated like helium balloons, and before she knew it, Alice was tumbling headfirst into MAGALand—a surreal nightmare disguised as a patriotic utopia.

Welcome to the MAGAverse: Where Logic Goes to Die

Alice landed in the middle of what could only be described as the world's most obnoxious Thanksgiving parade.

Instead of floats, there were statues of Trump towering over pilgrims, each one inscribed with “Greatest Thanksgiving Host of All Time” and “Inventor of Turkey.”

A Mad Hatter wearing a red hat and waving a Trump flag greeted her. “Welcome to the only real Thanksgiving celebration!” he exclaimed, shoving a plate of “Freedom Fries” in her hands.

“Who are you?” Alice asked, bewildered.

“Me? I’m the MAGA Hatter! I create truths as I see fit. Fake news? Gone! Historical facts? Rewritten! I even wrote Trump’s Thanksgiving Proclamation: ‘Make Stuffing Great Again!’”

The Feast of Idiots

The table stretched endlessly, crowded with a grotesque caricature of humanity. At one end, the Red Queen was furiously demanding allegiance. “No gravy until you pledge your loyalty to the 45th president!” she shrieked.

“Why does everyone have to agree?” Alice asked, attempting reason.

“BECAUSE THIS IS MAGALAND!” the Queen bellowed, smashing a pie in the face of someone who had dared to suggest Biden didn’t ruin Thanksgiving. “Unity is overrated! It’s about loyalty, blind loyalty!”

To Alice’s left, a guest was angrily berating a plate of stuffing, claiming it was part of a socialist plot. “This isn’t even American bread!” he growled, accusing the cornbread mix of being imported from China.

On her right, another diner insisted that “Big Cranberry” was colluding with George Soros to destroy Thanksgiving traditions. “First, it’s real cranberry sauce. Next, it’s vegan turkey. Where does it end?”

A Turkey Stuffed with Nonsense

The food at the table was as absurd as the conversations. The turkey wasn’t basted in butter—it was soaked in pure conspiracy theories.

The cranberry sauce came with a side of alternate realities. And don’t even ask about the pie.

The MAGA Hatter stood to offer a toast. “Let us give thanks for our fearless leader, who made America great, gave us gas stoves, and fought the radical left’s war on turkeys!”

“What war on turkeys?” Alice interjected.

“Oh, you wouldn’t know,” he sneered. “The liberal media doesn’t want you to know about the woke agenda to replace turkey with tofu. They’re calling it ‘Plantsgiving.’ It’s disgusting!”

“Plantsgiving?” Alice repeated, incredulous.

“Don’t laugh!” he shouted. “Next, they’ll cancel mashed potatoes because they’re ‘racist’ to yams!”

The Red Queen’s Patriot Games

To “earn” her pumpkin pie, Alice was subjected to the Queen’s loyalty quiz. The questions were absurd:

• “Who really won the 2020 election?”

• “What’s better: freedom or cranberry sauce?”

• “Should Trump’s face replace the turkey on Mount Rushmore?”

Alice tried to answer honestly but quickly realized that honesty had no place here.

“Wrong!” the Queen shouted, throwing a bowl of mashed potatoes at her. “Off to the Fake News Pen with you!”

In the corner of the room, a screen showed a live feed of Hannity giving a Thanksgiving sermon: “Remember, folks, if you criticize the gravy, you hate America.”

Escaping MAGALand

As chaos erupted—gravy floods, pie fights, and the MAGA Hatter ranting about wind turbines ruining Thanksgiving—Alice spotted a Cheshire Cat smirking in a tree.

“How do I leave this madness?” Alice pleaded.

The Cat grinned. “Stop engaging with their nonsense. MAGALand only exists because people keep feeding the crazy. You can’t argue with fools who believe lies over logic.”

Alice paused, then smiled. “So I just… leave?”

The Cat winked and vanished.

Back at the Real Table

Alice woke up with a start, her family’s real Thanksgiving table coming into focus. Her uncle was still ranting about gas stoves, but this time, Alice felt oddly serene.

“Pass the gravy,” she said with a smile, tuning out the noise and focusing on what really mattered: the people who were worth her energy—and the pumpkin pie.

Final Takeaway

The moral of Alice’s journey? MAGALand is absurd, but it thrives on engagement. The only way to win the game is not to play. At Thanksgiving dinner or anywhere else, save your breath—and the gravy—for the people who make it worth the effort.

Stay informed and inspired—join my Substack community today!
Paid subscribers receive weekly eBooks that dive deeper into select topics.