Activists Announce Opening of Trump's "Yuge... Satanic Abortion Clinic"

A Tale of Two Celebrations

On June 14th, Donald Trump is throwing himself a grand military parade in Washington, DC, because nothing screams "patriotism" like forcing soldiers—whom he once called “losers”—to march for his birthday.

But while the former president basks in self-indulgence, another group is marking the day with a more meaningful celebration of freedom.

The Satanic Temple has announced the opening of its third telehealth abortion clinic in Maine, aptly named "The President's Yuge Most Beautiful Tremendous Satanic Abortion Clinic."

The clinic’s launch date, intentionally chosen to coincide with Trump’s birthday, serves as a cheeky reminder that not all celebrations of freedom need tanks and pageantry.

Sometimes, they come with a heavy dose of irony and a commitment to bodily autonomy.

The New Clinic: Making Healthcare Great Again

The new Maine facility will provide telehealth abortion care throughout the state, continuing TST's mission of ensuring access to reproductive healthcare.

Like its sister clinics, all healthcare services will be provided free of charge, with patients only needing to cover the $91 cost of the prescription.

(Somehow, they've managed to make healthcare more affordable than Trump ever did, and they didn't even need to promise to reveal their plan in two weeks.)

Not Your Sunday School Satan

Before you clutch your pearls at the mention of Satanists providing healthcare, it's worth noting that TST doesn't actually worship the devil.

Instead, they're a nontheistic religious organization that uses Satan as a symbol of rebellion against tyranny, personal freedom, and the pursuit of knowledge.

Think of them less as devil worshippers and more as extremely committed civil rights activists with a flair for dramatic branding.

The Temple emphasizes bodily autonomy, scientific reasoning, and the separation of church and state.

Their abortion services include a religious ritual protected under the Religious Freedom Restoration Act – essentially using the religious right's own legal victories against them. (Oh, the irony!)

A Track Record of Success: The First Two Clinics

TST's first clinic, the brilliantly named "Samuel Alito's Mom's Satanic Abortion Clinic," opened in New Mexico in February 2023. Since its opening, it has provided over 100 abortions, making it the lowest-cost option for pregnancy terminations in the state.

Their second facility, the "Right to Your Life Satanic Abortion Clinic," opened in Virginia in October 2024.

Both clinics operate 24/7, ensuring patients receive care when they need it, and even assist with travel and medication costs for those facing financial hardship.

A Call to Action: The Devil's in the Details

As Trump celebrates his birthday with a parade that would make North Korea blush, The Satanic Temple continues its work of actually protecting American freedoms.

If you're wondering how to support reproductive rights, consider this: Sometimes the most effective allies aren't the ones waving flags and demanding attention, but the ones working tirelessly (and with excellent trolling skills) to protect fundamental human rights.

You can support TST's efforts by:

• Spreading awareness about their clinics and services.

• Contributing to legal groups and organizations advocating for the expansion of clinics providing women’s reproductive healthcare services in restrictive, typically GOP-led, states.

• Supporting the ongoing mission to maintain and expand abortion access in all 50 states, Washington, DC, and all US territories.

Remember, while some celebrate themselves with military parades, others celebrate by protecting rights and freedoms. And isn't that what America should really be about?

The Satanic Temple: Doing the Lord's work, ironically enough.

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Stay strong,

samuel