"American Pie:" A 2025 Hat Tip to Don McLean's Classic

The great American dessert, baked with chaos but sprinkled with hope.

Let's slice into the peculiar pie we've baked for ourselves in 2025 in the grand tradition of Don McLean's iconic ode to American culture.

Grab a fork, folks—this dessert might be hard to swallow.

The Crust of Division

Remember when we could all agree that apple pie was quintessentially American? Now, we can't even agree on the crust.

Half the country swears by a flaky, butter-based foundation. At the same time, the other half insists on a graham cracker crust—and both sides are convinced the other is trying to destroy the very fabric of our culinary heritage.

Our once-united pie has been carved into so many pieces that it resembles a jigsaw puzzle more than a dessert. Red states, blue states, purple states—we're more concerned with our slice's color than unity's flavor.

A Filling of Economic Anxiety

Speaking of filling, have you checked your grocery bill lately? Thanks to persistent inflation, that humble apple pie now takes a bigger bite out of your wallet.

The American dream of "a chicken in every pot" has morphed into "a slice of pie for those who can afford it."

Our economic pie chart looks less like a balanced meal and more like a pie-eating contest gone wrong, with the middle class left holding an empty plate.

As the cost of living rises faster than wages, many Americans find themselves with a shrinking slice of the economic pie.

The Soggy Bottom of Global Respect

Once upon a time, American pie was the envy of the world. It was the dessert that everyone wanted a piece of—a beacon of freedom, innovation, and leadership.

Today, the world isn’t so much looking at our pie as they are quietly wondering if it’s been left out on the counter too long.

Our recipe for global leadership, once a careful balance of diplomacy and strength, has been replaced with a haphazard mix of pending trade disputes, unpredictable policies, and an apparent obsession with who gets to grab the biggest slice.

Meanwhile, other nations are busy perfecting their own desserts, leaving us to argue over whether or not our pie is still the best on the menu. Spoiler: It’s not.

Trade War Sprinkles

To top it all off, we’ve decided to garnish our pie with a hefty dose of trade war sprinkles. Nothing says “global cooperation” quite like slapping tariffs on your neighbor’s cherry pie while insisting your apple pie is superior.

With the U.S. having severed ties with the World Trade Organization and unresolved tensions with China on the brink of boiling over, these economic food fights might satisfy MAGA’s appetite for confrontation, but they’re leaving a bitter taste in everyone’s mouth.

And let’s be honest, in a world where the potluck is shrinking and everyone’s hoarding their recipes, does it really matter whose pie is bigger?

A Recipe for Hope?

Yet, in true American fashion, there’s always room for dessert—and hope. Perhaps this chaotic concoction is just what we need to whip up a new, more inclusive recipe.

One where everyone gets a seat at the table, regardless of their preferred pie flavor or political garnish.

Don McLean once sang, “Bye, bye, Miss American Pie, / Drove my Chevy to the levee, but the levee was dry.”

Today, we might say: "Bye, bye to the once-unified, / Took my hybrid to the drive-thru, but the river had dried."

But maybe the dream isn’t dead. Maybe it’s just waiting for us to roll up our sleeves, turn off the noise, and return to baking something better.

After all, in America, the pie is never truly finished; it just waits for the next generation to add its own special ingredient. Let’s hope it’s a dash of unity and a sprinkle of common sense.

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Stay hopeful and get into "good trouble,"

samuel