An Open Letter to Mainstream Media
Get a Freaking Clue Before It's Too Late!
Dear Esteemed Purveyors of "News" (and I use that term loosely),
As we teeter on the brink of Trump: The Sequel (because apparently, America loves a bad reboot), I find myself compelled to address you, our stalwart guardians of democracy. Or should I say, our intrepid stenographers of chaos?
Your stellar performance during the first Trump administration was so impressive I can't wait to see how you'll outdo yourselves this time around.
The Triumph of Traditional Coverage (In Making Things Worse)
Congratulations! Your commitment to scandal-driven, "both sides" journalism has truly paid off.
You've managed to normalize behavior that would make Machiavelli blush while maintaining the veneer of objectivity we've come to know and tolerate. Bravo!
Your ability to turn the erosion of democracy into prime-time entertainment is truly unparalleled.
And let's not forget ABC News' crowning achievement: the $15 million defamation settlement bribe with our soon-to-be-reinstated Dear Leader.
Nothing says "hard-hitting journalism" quite like quietly shelling out millions to avoid a courtroom showdown with a man who thinks windmills cause cancer.
I'm sure that money couldn't have been better spent on, oh, I don't know, actual investigative reporting?
A New Paradigm for Reporting (Because the Old One Worked So Well)
Since you've done such a bang-up job so far, I thought I'd offer some suggestions for covering Trump 2.0.
After all, why fix what's broken when you can just keep breaking it?
Accountability and Ownership: Please continue to tiptoe around identifying who actually supported Trump's return to power.
Heaven forbid we hurt the feelings of those poor, misunderstood voters who looked at a man with more criminal indictments than policy proposals and thought, "Yes, that's my guy!"Tracking Promises and Betrayals: I can't wait to see how you'll frame Trump's inevitable policy U-turns. "Trump's Pragmatic Shift on Immigration" has such a nice ring to it, doesn't it?
It's much better than "Trump Abandons Core Campaign Promise, Shocks No One."Effective Communication Strategies: By all means, keep sanitizing Trump's incoherent ramblings into neat soundbites.
We wouldn't want the public to actually hear what he's saying, would we? That might lead to informed decision-making, and we can't have that.Focus on Broader Implications: Why bother with the potential collapse of democratic institutions when you can speculate endlessly about Trump's latest Un-Truth Social post or his next rally?
After all, nothing says "hard-hitting journalism" quite like ignoring the authoritarian elephant in the room while fixating on the shiny distractions he throws your way.Preparing for Authoritarianism: When Trump threatens to jail journalists and revoke broadcast licenses, please continue to treat it as just another day in paradise. It's not like press freedom is important or anything.
The Moral Imperative of Journalism (If You Still Remember What That Is)
Your role as journalists extends beyond mere reporting; you have a moral obligation to protect democracy.
But why bother with that when you can chase ratings and retweets? After all, if a $15 million defamation payout doesn't inspire a little journalistic backbone, what will?
We implore you to:
Adopt a "Dog Bites Man" approach because predictable betrayals are so much more exciting when you pretend to be surprised every single time.
Support independent and freelance journalism, at least until Trump decides to classify them as enemy combatants.
Prepare for potential risks to press freedom by practicing your "Everything is fine" face in the mirror.
Prioritize coverage of key areas such as Trump's golf scores, burger preferences, and how many times he can say "tremendous" in a single sentence.
A Call for Media Reform (Or at Least a Semblance of Self-Awareness)
Studies have shown that consistent liberals tend to trust a wider range of news outlets compared to conservatives.
Congratulations! You've managed to disappoint a broader audience. That's quite an achievement.
We urge you to address your perceived biases, particularly on issues such as social justice, environmental policies, and government accountability. Or don't.
It's not like the fate of democracy hangs in the balance or anything.
Conclusion and Call to Action (If You're Not Too Busy Planning Your Next Panel Discussion)
The stakes couldn't be higher, but don't let that stop you from treating the potential end of American democracy like it's just another season finale of "The Apprentice."
We call on you to:
Implement the outlined strategies for more effective and responsible coverage. (Or don't. Consistency is overrated, right?)
Establish internal review processes to identify and correct biases in reporting. (But make sure those processes are as toothless as your fact-checking.)
Collaborate with experts and fact-checkers to ensure accuracy and depth in your coverage. (Just kidding! Who needs experts when you have Twitter?)
Prioritize long-form journalism that provides context and analysis over sensationalist headlines. (LOL, as if.)
Engage in public forums to rebuild trust with your audience and address concerns about media bias. (Because nothing says "trust us" like a carefully moderated Q&A session.)
The future of our democracy depends on a well-informed citizenry.
It's time for the mainstream media (YOU) to rise to this challenge and fulfill its essential role in our society. Or, you know, keep doing what you're doing.
After all, if there's one thing we've learned, it's that the media will always find a way to normalize the abnormal—as long as the ratings are good.
And if you can't, well, there's always another $15 million settlement to quietly sweep under the rug.
Sincerely (and with all the snark I can muster),
A Citizen Who Still, Against All Odds, Believes in the Power of Journalism
P.S. If this letter results in any legal action, I look forward to my own multimillion-dollar settlement. I hear it's all the rage these days.
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Sorta missed the point and the problem. MSM is owned by the plutocrats. Of course it promotes and protects our plutocracy! What did you expect? It cannot be reformed precisely because it’s doing exactly what its owners want!